My Horizontal Life

My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler

I'm pretty sure that this is one of those things you shouldn't admit to liking.  I thought it was a book I could keep under wraps and no one would be the wiser.  Then my hubby found it.........and read it before I could. 

Chelsea Handler has no shame when it comes to laying out what she can recall of her wild sex life.  The antecdotes were funny and somewhat surprising what she wasn't willing to do. 
The read, like many loose girls was cheap and easy.  The language was foul.  The alcohol was flowing.  How she didn't spot the gay guy I attribute to Ecstacy blindness.  I feel like I should soon take an oath to get back on the wagon of cleaner entertainment......right after I read Chelsea, Chelsea, Bang! Bang!

Rating 2.5  I can't rate it higher than 'Vodka' which was a better book.  Still docking points for the blatant vulagrity and obvious alcohol and drug abuse......there can be too much of a good thing.
Rating R  Sex, language, drugs, alcohol.

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me Chelsea

Are You There, Vodka?  It's Me Chelsea

I shudder to admit that I read this.  But it was still funny.  Chelsea Handler of Chelsea Lately, a stand up comedian and unacknowledged alcoholic busts out short stories in this memoir.  As you may know, I am not a fan of many a memoir.  Ruined by 'Running With Scissors', I don't need to know the sick details of your putrid up bringing.  She keeps the family parts pretty upbeat though.  No molestation or reading your own fecal matter like tea leaves.
I am struggling between giving this book a 1 and an X rating for her obscene amounts of consumed alcohol, Ecstasy, and men.........and possibly a 3 and an R because I laughed pretty hard at parts.  She and her father together are a crack up.  Her dad reminds me of the dad on King of Queens. 
This book is light reading and pretty funny but beware.......so, so foul which is not a surprise if you have ever heard of Chelsea Handler.

Rating 2.5  I did laugh, but her explicit language and extreme substance abuse, whether real or beefed up....got a little tiring.  At some point it stops being funny.
Rating R   Lots of sex, lots of language, lots of drugs and drinking. 

Dramarama

Dramarama by E. Lockhart

Two teens from small town Ohio dream of making it big on stage.  Demi is gay and black and determined to leave small town forever.....leave behind what small town expects him to be and what his parents grit their teeth and bear.  Sadye (Sarah) can't wait to leave behind being a nobody, that nobody understands.  So the two bestfriends audition for summer drama camp. 

Once they make it to Wildewood Academy; one of them sees their dreams quickly coming to fruition while the other realizes that though their love for the arts makes their heart beat, they might not have what it takes to be the big star. 

There's lots of love, laughter, singing, dancing, and a strain on true friendship.  If you have not had much experience with musicals or theater, you may struggle with the references to the multitude of productions spoken about.  At the end the author leaves a list of movies and a playlist that the characters like.

Rating 3  Loved the musical and theater parts.  Sweet book about owning who you are and making it work.  Worth a quick read.

Rating PG 13  Underage drinking, homosexuality, sexual references.

The Graveyard Book

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

Macabre......ugh, I love that word.  It says so many things.  It smells sweet like dead leaves.  To say I was stoked to read this book.....so beautiful with a headstone on the cover, is an understatement.  Sadly, so sadly I ended up reading it in snippets.  That is a horrible, horrible way to read anything except a text book.  I like to devour my books.  I digress.......I read it in snippets while I struggled everyday not to hate the school system and the State social workers while I sat behind my desk furtively feeding a child that came to school hungry.  Sorry, I am flashing back and possibly sideways.  I did not saturate myself in the book in a way that the book was due.  So my take on it may not be very honest.

It turned out to be exceedingly witty and crafty.  Bod's (short for Nobody) family was murdered when he was yet an infant.  He was lucky enough to toddle from the house and into the nearest graveyard.  This is where the little tyke ended up living out his childhood, protected and raised by ghosts.  Could there be a better story?  There were times I felt the chill of the graveyard.  I was comforted by the ghostly relationships.  There were thought provoking moments.  I could clap!

Yet, I am not going to give this book a 5.  If I per chance had read this in a better state of mind....or in one sitting, I may have felt more immersed and connected.  This is possibly not Gaiman's fault....but this is the place where my opinion counts....so....

Rating 4
Rating PG  I didn't find it terrifying.  There was murder.  I don't recall any sexual aspects (it has been at least a month since I read this book) and there were some scary-ish happenings since it was about ghosts and partially living beings.

The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-time

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon

Christopher is a fifteen year old British boy with autism. Wandering the neighborhood in the middle of the night.....as he is prone to do, he finds the neighbor's dog stabbed with a garden fork. Christopher likes dogs and not people because you can always tell what a dog means, but people have confusing faces. So Christopher decides he must find the dog's killer.
Christopher lives with his father and attends a special school during the day. His mother has recently died of a heart attack. Father begs him not to pursue 'other people's business' and leave the dog mystery alone. But once Christopher mentally latches onto something he can't let go.
Christopher proceeds with his detecting. Life altering events come from his perseverance. He finds that he is capable of more than he thought possible.
I found Christopher's dry and straight forward wit hilarious. I so enjoyed this book. Christopher seemed real and refreshing from the self absorbed characters that are recently popular. He does complicated math problems to calm down and help him focus...which he writes in the book. He loves red food and will dye his food if it is a color that he won't eat. He hates the colors brown and yellow and he gives his reasons, which are pretty good.
I was a bit freaked when he gave a list of his behavior problems.........and I didn't think they were a problem!
A. Not talking for a long time.
B. Not eating or drinking anything for a long time.
C. Not liking being touched.
D. Screaming when I am angry or confused.
E. Not liking being in really small places with other people.
F. Smashing things when I am angry or confused.
G. Groaning (he does this when he has sensation overload)
H. Not liking yellow things or brown things and refusing to touch yellow things or brown things.
I. Refusing to use my toothbrush if anyone else has touched it.
J. Not eating food if different sorts of food are touching each other.
K. Not noticing that people are angry with me.
L. Not smiling.
M. Saying things that other people think are rude.
My only complaints were the use of the word poo, which is a word that is stricken from the vocabulary in our house. It is a sick and nasty word and even worse when used by an adult. Yuck! Also the F word was pervasive throughout the book. Not cool.

Rating 5 I own this book and have read it more than once. I like it just as much every time.
Rating R There were enough F words to warrant this rating. Nothing else is too bad. For this reason I can't really recommend this as a book to read if you are very sensitive or posses a better moral high ground than I do.

Ready or Not

Ready or Not by Meg Cabot

This is the follow up novel to American Girl. Sam is still dating the First Son and being a teen ambassador. This time Sam's conundrum is whether or not to have sex with boyfriend David. She is also publicly supporting the Presidents new Family agenda. The agenda includes ratting out young girls to their parents if they are seeking contraception. Sam mistakenly announces that she has said yes to sex during a televised town meeting held at her high school. Although Sam has not agreed to be sexual with David, everyone including their families think she has.

Sam is called a slut at school. The popular girls try to ostracize her. Sam's popular sister Lucy stands up for her. Many others in the school join in and Sam finds that she has more friends than she thought.

Sam has been invited to Camp David with the First Family for Thanksgiving. She thinks that David has invited her in order to have sex with her for the first time. She decides that she is not ready. She then finds that David truly invited her just to invite her and had no other plans. Let down and a bit angry she then decides she is ready for sex and 'jumps his bones'. She feels that she has come to the realization that sex did not change their relationship. She also learns that her popular sister, although having had a steady boyfriend for a long time......has not had sex.

I was a bit surprised to have this book revolving so much around the choice to be sexually active as a teen. While I am semi glad that someone as broached this subject, I was not thrilled with the outcome. Sorry Sam, but sex changes everything. Also as a book geared toward young teens I was not at all happy about other sexual tips garnered in this read.

Rating 2 I did have fun reading it, but I didn't like the message to the target audience. I know that is a totally personal opinion.......... but that's the whole point of posting.

Rating PG 13 contraception, sex, sexual acts, language

All American Girl

All American Girl by Meg Cabot

Samantha Madison is a fifteen year old girl, attending a prep school in D.C. She is an all black wearing, art loving, one friended, Gwen Stefani obsessing, popularity hater. Despite all of that she is quite likable. When her German grades drop and her parents find out it is because she spends her time drawing pictures of famous guys and selling them to popular girls, they enroll her in art classes. They feel like she needs a creative outlet, but Sam feels like it is a punishment.
Sam's sister Lucy is a cheerleader at the same prep school. Her boyfriend Jack is a trench coat wearing artsy guy. Sam is secretly in love with Jack. Jack cautions Sam not to let the art classes strip her of her creativity.

Sam attends her first art class. She meets David. David seems oddly familiar, but Sam can't place him. She draws her first picture, which she is sure is better than everyon else in the class. When the instructor critiques at the end of class, Sam is upset to learn that she did not follow the directions given, which were to draw what she saw. Sam drew what she knew instead and she can't figure out the difference. Taking Jack's advice and feeling angry and embarrassed, Sam decides to further buck the system and skip the next class. She ends up in a music store for the entire time. As she leaves to catch her ride home, Sam notices a weird man from the music store. Just then, a presidential motorcade arrives. The president steps out and heads for a nearby bakery. The weird guy from the music store whips out a gun and fires. Sam jumps on his back and takes him down. He breaks her arm in the fall. Sam has saved the president's life.

As Samantha recovers from her injury, she meets the president and his family. David from art class is the president's son. Lucy takes the opportunity she has been waiting for and gives Sam a makeover for her press conference. Sam instantly becomes popular. She and her sole friend Catherine are invited to a party given by Sam's former friend and recent enemy. Catherine is desperate to go and invite a 'boy'. She has been seriously sheltered by her parents and teased for the clothes they make her wear. Catherine begs Sam to give her the chance to fit in. Sam agrees purely for Catherine's sake. Sam decides to invite David to the party. She wants to be friends, but she is also using David to wake Jack up to what he is missing.

David and Jack get in a fight about art. It becomes clear to David that Sam likes Jack. Despite Sam being a teen ambassador to the U.N. and attending a dinner with the president's family, Sam and David can't overcome their opposite feelings.

Sam is put in charge of an art competition for the U.N. The pictures are to depict what the artist sees out of their window. Jack feels like he is a shoe in with Sam as the judge. Sam finds another picture that she loves, but the president and press secretary feel is controversial. Sam begins to understand what her art instructor meant when she said draw what you see and not what you know.

Sam attends more art lessons in hopes of befriending David again. While there her art improves greatly and she learns to really 'see'. She finds that Jack might not know what he is talking about.

Finally Sam realizes that she loves David, not Jack. She gives a news interview about the art contest and her feelings about whom the real winner should be. At the end she professes her feelings for David. Soon they are together. Sam begins to realize there are more important ways to make a statement about life than by dying all of your clothes black.

Fun, clean story! I liked watching Sam evolve. She also really changes her relationship with her sister. Lucy sticks up for her by breaking up with Jack when Sam and Jack fight over the winner of the art contest. I loved seeing the importance of family relationships brought out. I also really liked that even though there were differing backgrounds and social groups, they were played down and we were able to see that they don't matter as much as we give them credit for.

Rating. 3.75. Fun book, entertaining.
Rating PG attempted murder, injury, clean romance.

Austenland

Austenland by Shannon Hale

In an ode to the deliciously romantic Jane Austen, Hale writes Austenland. Jane is a 32 year old single girl. None of her 13 boyfriends can seem to match up to Mr. Darcy (Fitzwilliam Darcy for you Darcy lovers) of Austen's lovely imagination or the Mr. Darcy of the legendary BBC epic played by Colin Firth. (Good movie.) Jane's aunt sees her woeful niece unable to have real relationships because of her obsession. In her will, she leaves Jane a holiday to Austenland. Jane will travel to England and become immersed in the life and times of the Austen era.
Jane decides to go and give in to her fantasy one last time before she gives it all up and becomes a spinster. She and other guests are able to live in a lovely historical home in a beautiful park where they dress in empire waists and speak Austenese. Actors portray the courting gentlemen and the home owners. Things begin to change for Jane when she can't tell if the actors are acting or real. She realizes that she may be able to give up on Mr. Darcy but not ever having a man in her life again is another story.
Jane falls for the Gardener and has some tasty make out sessions in his gardener quarters. When things get too serious for him.......Jane goes back to full time Austenland and the irritating Mr. Nobley. Mr. Nobley and Jane do not mesh well but he seems like her most likely suitor since the other men have paired off with the other guests.
I totally enjoyed this book. It is a far cry from the other Hale books I have read (Enna Burning, Goose Girl and Princess Academy) It is full of humor and wit. I don't think you really have to enjoy the real Jane Austen that much to enjoy this book.
Rating 4
Rating G

Life Expectancy

Life Expectancy by Dean Koontz

The Master of Horror, Dean Koontz, has put out a book somewhat horrific, suspenseful and funny as heck!! The book begins with the night of Jimmy Tock's birth. As his mother labors, his grandfather nears death in another part of the hospital. Just as Josef Tock is about to take his last breath...........he wakes from stoke induced coma to utter prophecy. He speaks of 5 terrible days in the life of his grandson Jimmy Tock.
The book follows through Jimmy's life up to the 5th terrible day..........through the eyes of Jimmy. As horror befalls Jimmy and his family..........I laughed out loud. Jimmy........or rather Mr. Koontz is hilarious!!
I felt like it rushed the end a little and skipped some sort of pertinent info. about ........some suff (I don't want to spoil.) But I was kind of tired of Jimmy being in peril all of the time so I was mostly okay with it.
This book is a great look at basic good vs. evil. It is also a sweet story about family and what should matter most in our lives even though we don't know in advance what our future holds.

Rating 5 Love, laughter, family life, food, evil, good, crazy, suspense, horror. It's all there. I would read it again. That's how I usually determine if I will rate a book a five.
Rating PG 13 Violence and one nasty sexual word I hate.